May 11, 2017
I spoke to him as a student of meditation and as a writer. I told him that I was having trouble pulling the trigger on posting this very essay to my website even though I had already typed up and had a few more waiting in the wings. I’ve been locked down tight in my little cocoon of transformation writing, writing, writing and thinking “I need to work on my blog. I need to work on my blog.” I’d write another essay and think, “Ok I did some work today. I might post it this week” and then another week goes by and no post for you beautiful happy people and seekers. Just talking to him cleared away all of my doubt about why I am writing this blog and doing this work. He told me the quote above and it has been my meditation lately. Then…
Davidji called me out on air!
And is was awesome.
“WHY ARE YOU KEEPING THE HAPPINESS TO YOURSELF?!
YOU HAVE TO SHARE. GIVE ME THE HAPPINESS!!”
And yes, I used all caps intentionally because he was saying this loudly…okay YELLING but in a very loving way. Haha. It made me laugh and humbled me at the same time. I felt my solar plexus (chakra) burst open like that tight bud. The block had been shattered. Even as I write this I feel that sensation filling me with golden yellow sunshine on this cloudy Michigan day. I am in the sun of my soul. I am Happy. Who am I to keep all this inside of me? This is REALLY IMPORTANT work and I was down playing it!!
I am in Bloom! Time to come out of the closet!
I have been trapped inside the closet of my heart for so many years. I’ve peaked out. I’ve flung the door open when nobody was looking and jumped back inside at the first sign of fear. That minx fear. Tricky tricky tricky. Trying to keep you safe when there’s been nothing to worry about all along. The funny thing about what I said “I’ve been trapped” is that the door was never locked. I would peak out and jump out on occasion then jump back in. I was my own captor. Fear was outside but fear is not the enemy. It’s doing it’s job of making you second guess yourself just to make sure you’re not doing something that could cause you REAL harm. It has taken me a year and another kick in the ass to FINALLY let it go. Last year on my birthday I went and saw one of my favorite authors Elizabeth Gilbert. She held a talk at a local church. She had just written Big Magic and was going to discuss it but she decided to veer a little off topic and held an impromptu workshop instead. It was GLORIOUS.
It was a workshop on how to move beyond fear to create Big Magic in your own life. She asked us to look our fear in the face and have a conversation with it/him/her as though it was a person you had to finally have a chat with about all you’ve been afraid of. In the end Liz asked us to say,
Thanks Fear. You did a good job protecting me. I got this.
So Here I am! I’m coming out of the closet, so to speak. In my 4th decade of life I’ve made a decision. No longer will another person’s opinion of me have weight in my life. Your opinion of me whether good or bad is none of my business. I love you either way. I don’t mean for that to sound condescending or egotistical but I spent the first 1/2 of my 4 decades of life caring too much what other people thought of me and what I should do with my life. All the while drifting and having ideas about what I should do but not listening to my gut. So I decided long ago that I will live my life fully and without apologies for who I am, what I look like, or what I believe. Will I listen to what you have to say? Of course. I take every conversation as a potential learning moment. Will I let other people’s opinions stop me from doing what I’m here to do? Nopity nope nope nope.
In the next decade I want to share HAPPINESS! I am talking about all things in life, the universe and everything including spirituality.I am a spiritual being having a human experience. My aim is to help people by sharing my stories from the road of Life. To let people know they’re not alone and to help lift you up along the way. I made it out of sorrow and depression and I want to help in any way I can. I will be happy to explain something you don’t understand as long as you will keep an open mind. If all the bloggers of the world can talk about every topic under the sun (good and bad) then I can move beyond fear to share love, beauty, and unity.I’m Spiritual seeker and practitioner. What does THAT mean?! I’ve always been too spiritual to be religious. I have studied many religions over the years and at their core they will tell you:
Love is All You Need.
The Beatles boiled it down beautifully didn’t they? The basis of true connection with each other is love. Hate divides. Love brings us together. Let’s talk about unity and how we can love each other. This is my spirituality and it has been a part of my life in it’s entirety. When I’ve ignored it, I’ve suffered. I am not a preacher, converter, or a condemner. I love one on one discussion. If you want to join in, I would love to chat. I know what I know because of my personal relationship with God/Great Spirit/The Universe/Source. Pick your noun. I ask and I listen. Then I consider. I love meditation. Getting quiet is how you hear God/Great Spirit/The Universe/Source. Religions seemed to think that you have to ask a priest for permission to talk to god or get answers. Nope. Ask. Listen. Believe. That’s all it takes. If the answer you get is loving and guiding and gentle, it’s God. If it’s snide, rude, or fear based that’s your ego. More on that later.
SINCE I’M PUTTING IT ALL OUT THERE… (We’re almost at the end!)
I love exploring the mysteries of the universe use tools such as tarot & oracle cards. I am a Lightworker and know how to call for protection. I know I am channeling Source/God/Spirit Guides/Angels without fear. My aim is to spread Love not fear. If you want to have a rational conversation about the different tools of spirituality I would be happy to talk. I’ll even give you a reading if you ask nicely. Cards are tools just like paper & pen are tools for writers. Artists have brushes and paints. Artists are magical and so am I.
Turns out I’m an artist too. I went to Painting with a Twist twice and liked what I came home with so it turns out I can paint! Never done that before this year. Lesson there? Keep playing.
I am an Energy Worker. What the heck does THAT mean?! Ever heard of Reiki? That is a form of energy healing work. I do Polarity, chakra balancing and aura cleansing as well. I have been practicing as an energy worker since 1995 and I received my degree in Myomassology (Massage Therapy) in 1999. It saved my life. More on that later.
I am vegetarian for the second time in my life. It is not for everyone and I am not going to be one of “those” people that shouts “Everyone should do this!!” because I know personally that it’s not always possible or easy to be vegetarian…which is why this is the second time around for me. I will shout “I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!” because I do! No shame in saying that…so I said it.
I am a Mommy who stays home with her daughter and I am LOVE LOVE LOVING IT!! Have I always dreamt of this? Hell no. I was NOT one of those girls who imagined prince charming and having the happy 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. My folks divorced when I was 5. I was too realistic for that. Did I want to find love? Of course but I’ve also taken time off in the past to focus on myself and get my shit together. I highly recommend it. Helped me find my gorgeous husband! Had to know what I wanted so I’d know it when I found it.
I swear like a sailor/viking. Not as much as I used to but (obviously) it still comes out. I was muttering F-bombs under my breath today. I have a toddler. It happens. Also I used to road rage. My niece will tell you. I earned the road rage badge and paid for it. If I still had my brownie sash I would sew it on there. Again, not as bad as I used to be but I’m an Aries/Dragon. Fire happens.
WHY IS ANY OF THIS IMPORTANT?
Why am I taking a leap of faith and putting myself out there like this? Baring my soul to the blogosphere that is the collective consciousness? Because my writing here is about Happiness! In our lives we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness.
My happiness comes through self expression.
If I am not able to express myself fully and truthfully then I will not be as happy as I could be. It took me 40 years to fish out that pearl of wisdom. I hope you value in some form what I am sharing here. This is just the first little bit. I hope you will join me in the conversation. What truth or part of yourself is in the closet? What dream of yours is being held back by fear? I’d love to hear from you. Let’s start a conversation on Facebook or Instagram.
I hope you are having a beautiful day.